Dear Ann Landers, "Smarter Now in Florida" wanted to know what kind of person looks for companionship through personal ads. I can tell her. They are the same "losers" who look for employment in the classifieds because they have exhausted all other possibilities and are pretty darned desperate. And how about us morons who look in the newspaper to find a used car, kitchen appliances and "like-new" TV sets? Heaven help us! Haven't we any other resources?
Not all of us can go to an Ivy League college and meet Mr. or Ms. Right on campus. Nor do we all work in a profession that allows us a large circle of acquaintances with similar interests. Take night classes? Do volunteer work? Know what we'll find? Two hundred women in full war paint and one cowering male.
For some of us, personal ads are the perfect solution. I met my wonderful husband when he responded to an ad I placed many years ago. Our son is now in college, and our marriage is the envy of our friends. Using personals to find a wealthy man who looks like a movie star is nonsense, but for the discerning, sane and sensible, the personals are the way to go. -- A.G. in Hollywood, Calif.
Dear A.G., Thanks for your vote of approval on the personals. I was unprepared for the blizzard of letters from readers who also sang the praises of those ads. Keep reading for another one:
From Boston: I was 39 and had never been married. The divorced gentleman I met through the personals proved to be everything I had hoped for. We hit it off on the telephone and arranged to meet in a public place. His ad was completely truthful. We both were in the high-tech industry, had excellent careers and were too busy to run around looking for a mate. We married one year after our first date and will soon celebrate our eighth wedding anniversary.
From Detroit: One of your readers asked what kind of person looks for a soul mate in the personal ads of a newspaper. Well, I can tell you. They are the losers, the damn fools, the morons and the desperate. I know what I am talking about because I was one of them. By the time I discovered the man I had been living with for three years was sleeping with my divorced sister, I had been tied up with the louse for so long that I no longer had any legitimate social contacts. So, I decided to try the personals.
After sifting through 55 responses, the one I settled on (and nearly married) turned out to be an ex-con -- a bigamist who was wanted in four states. From now on, I'm sticking with the squares I meet in church. They may not be exciting, but they are a heck of a lot safer. -- Sadder but Wiser
Dear Detroit: Sometimes we have to be "Sadder" before we become "Wiser." Thanks for the frank testimony.
Dear Ann Landers, One day last weekend, my parents popped in just as my husband and I finished lunch. It was one of those rare occasions when my husband had offered to do the dishes. I was shocked when my mother asked, "Why is HE doing the dishes?" My mother has always been very traditional when it comes to women's roles, and her disapproving remark annoyed me. Wishing to avoid a confrontation, I simply did not respond.
What I SHOULD have said was "Maybe because this is the '90s and I work, too." I could have added, "Maybe because I spackled and sanded and painted all the bedroom walls. Maybe because I ripped up the carpet on the stairs, pulled nails and repainted the stairway. Maybe because I go to his shop and do sanding for him while he builds kitchens for a living. Maybe because I helped him put a new floor in the upstairs bathroom. Maybe because I help him unload wood from his pickup truck. Maybe because I'm usually the one who hauls two large garbage cans filled with trash down the road to be collected. Maybe because I'm constantly picking up after him, cooking his meals and doing his laundry. Maybe because we do things for each other and I shouldn't be made to feel guilty if he does the dishes once in a while."
I'd love to write more, Ann, but I've got to mop the kitchen floor and start preparing Sunday's dinner. HIS family is coming over. If my mother reads this, I've got another shocker for her. He cooks, too. And now, if I could only get him to sew. -- Doing It All in Binghamton, N.Y.
Dear Bing., You don't owe your mother any explanation as to why your husband does the dishes. It's not her business. If the subject comes up again, you can hand her this column. Keep reading for another family problem:
Dear Ann Landers, I plan to be married in a few months and need some advice. My fiance and I have been together for almost seven years and have all the appliances and accessories we need to furnish our new apartment. We could use some furniture, however, and are now in the process of looking at chairs, tables and so on.
Several friends and relatives have let us know they want to give us a shower or a party. We really don't need presents. We would be thrilled if they would give us money so we could buy furniture. Is there a polite way we could ask for money instead of a shower or wedding gift without looking tacky? - Broke in Mississippi
Dear Broke, If you have a close relationship with aunts, uncles or cousins and they ask, "What do you NEED?" it would be OK to say, "We have everything we need except furniture and are now looking at several pieces. If you'd like to give us a check to help furnish our apartment, that would be wonderful."
I know of no polite way to ask friends or relatives who want to give you a shower or wedding gift to give you money instead.
Dear Ann Landers, I have always maintained it's the thought that counts when it comes to gifts. In that light, I'd like to know what you think.
Over the years, my husband, our children and I have received an odd selection of gifts from my in-laws. They are always used -- from their attic, a thrift shop or a fire sale, or otherwise recycled. We have laughed it off, decided that they are eccentric and disposed of the gifts.
I can understand used books, clothing, jewelry and toys, but last Christmas, they went a bit too far. Our teenage son received an assortment of used aftershave -- complete with mildew on the bottles. He just laughed and tossed it in the trash. My husband and I, however, felt insulted.
These people are financially well to-do. They see our children only when they visit on birthdays or Christmas. They stay through dinner and leave just before dessert is served. Then, we don't hear from them until the next major event. When we ask them to spend more time with the grandchildren, they make all kinds of excuses for why they can't manage it. After being rebuffed numerous times, our children have stopped asking about them.
Ann, if it's "the thought that counts," what thought can there be behind such insulting gifts? I hesitate to ask them, because I do not want to hurt my husband, but I would appreciate your opinion. -- Daughter-in-Law in Englewood, Fla.
Dear Englewood, Here are a few adjectives: cheap, no-class, stingy, tightwads, and toss in stupid, weird and kooky, since they apparently believe they are getting away with it. How sad that they're missing out on their grandchildren's lives. When their crummy gifts arrive, just toss them in the trashcan, and let it go at that. Would you believe a woman in Minnesota wrote to tell me that last Christmas she got the same fruitcake she had given the woman two years before?
Dear Ann Landers, I have been reading your column for a long time, hoping someone would write in about my problem, but it hasn't happened, so here I am.
My husband is 52 years old. We have been married for 15 years. Although I was a willing and responsive partner, I realized early on he wasn't particularly interested in sex after the newness wore off. He said he would rather make the moves -- then didn't. Then I had to be the aggressor, or absolutely nothing would happen.
A bigger problem, however, is his thumb sucking. It started about a year ago. When I enter the room, he will jerk his thumb out of his mouth. He does this while watching TV or after dinner when he reads the paper. I'm concerned because it seems to be getting worse with time.
I find this very distressing, but there are many positives to our relationship. He is a hard worker and a wonderful grandfather, and he acts as if he loves me dearly. I am too tired for a major life change and too humiliated to discuss this with anyone but you. Please respond in print. -- No Name, No City
Dear N.N.N.C., Your husband's thumb sucking may be a major turnoff, but it is not grounds for divorce. Actually, it is a release from stress. The thumb sucking helps him revisit his early years, when life was peaceful and uncomplicated. Some men drink when life gets stressful. Others cheat. I hope he will consider counseling because this man needs help.
