Dear Ann Landers, A few years ago, you printed a poem in your column. I do not remember the name of it, but some of the lines were: "Kisses aren't promises" and "Even sunshine burns if you get too much."
I would dearly love to have another copy of that poem because it touched me deeply. I hope you can find it and print it again. -- L.B. in Cordova, Tenn.
Dear L.B., That poem is one of the most requested by my readers. I am pleased to print it again for you and others who have asked. Here it is:
After a While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.
After a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure ...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn ...
With every goodbye, you learn.
Dear Ann Landers, Two years ago, I met a wonderful man, and we have been dating ever since. When "Bob" bought a home last May, he asked me to move in with him. I knew his mother would be moving in, too, but I thought it would be temporary.
Well, it's been eight months, and she is still here. I cook, clean and do laundry, but she does everything over again, saying I didn't do a good job. She has peculiar eating habits, which makes it difficult for me to prepare a tasty meal that everyone can enjoy. When I try to cook something she can eat, she claims my cooking "doesn't taste right" and adds other ingredients or dilutes it with water. She also tells me I shouldn't use a mop on the floor because "it's not clean unless you get down on your hands and knees and scrub."
I've told Bob several times that I am ready to pack up and leave, but he cries and begs me to stay. I honestly don't want to go, Ann. I really love the guy. Can you help me? -- Exasperated in Salem, Ore.
Dear Salem, Face it. Your boyfriend is going to have to decide: Either his mother must live elsewhere, or you leave -- unless, of course, you are willing to put up with the old battle-ax forever.
Since you aren't married yet, there's a chance you may win the power struggle, but I wouldn't bet on it. Your future mother-in-law is going to be a thorn in your side, a fly in your ointment and a bone in your throat forever. Get some counseling to give yourself confidence and strength. You're going to need it.
Gem of the Day: If you think you are a person of influence, try ordering someone else's dog around.
Dear Ann Landers, I must respond to the letter from "Sad Sister in N.C.," whose schizophrenic brother refused to take his medication. My heart goes out to her. In your response, you said those who refuse to take medication might have to be forced to have their condition monitored by a doctor.
My son was struck with this illness at age 24. He was newly married, with his own business and a beautiful home -- and he lost it all. I was told he was an adult and I could not hospitalize him without his permission. He refused to get help because he didn't think he was sick. In desperation, I called the police and said my son had threatened me with bodily harm. They put him in a mental facility that did nothing but hold him for a few weeks and then let him go.
After four long years, I filed a conservatorship for my son and turned him over to the state so he could receive the medical attention he needed. He was put in a state facility for six months, where he was taught about schizophrenia and the need for lifelong medication. I bless the doctors and nurses at that hospital for giving me back my son.
The laws need to be changed to get these young adults the help they need. They are often not able to make this decision on their own. I hope your column will trigger a move in the right direction. -- San Marcos, Calif.
Dear San Marcos, You deserve a medal for being so persistent and putting your son on the road to recovery. That column created quite a firestorm among my readers. Here are some of the responses I received:
From Chesapeake, Ohio: I suffer from depression and went voluntarily for help when I was in my late teens. I was bullied and threatened by the very staff that was supposed to help me. Forced medication is not the answer. It will only leave victims more vulnerable, and the number of deaths attributable to overmedication will increase.
Canfield, Ohio: When I was married, my husband had me hospitalized and forced me to undergo shock treatments for alleged postpartum psychosis. As it turned out, my problem was multiple sclerosis. I have suffered brain damage as a result of the drugs I was forced to take. How many other husbands would do this to their wives if they could get away with it?
San Jose, Calif.: Schizophrenia is a man-made diagnosis, and doctors make mistakes. A lifetime of being warehoused with people you don't like (and who might be dangerous) could be a disaster. The old man you see on the street whose tongue twitches didn't get that way because he was given compassion. He probably was restrained, drugged and dehumanized by a system that was supposed to help him.
Kerrville, Texas: I work for the Assertive Community Treatment team, which assists people with severe, persistent mental illness. The majority of our clients have had multiple hospitalizations, and most of them have failed after numerous attempts to stay well.
Our team's goal is to keep these individuals in the least restrictive environment required to maintain their independence. Case managers deliver and monitor medications to assure compliance. We also provide assistance for housing and employment, as well as classes on socialization, anger, stress management and symptoms management. We have a 24-hour crisis hotline people can call when things become too stressful.
Tell your readers there are resources within each community to assist mentally ill individuals and their families. For information, readers should contact the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, 200 N. Glebe Rd., Suite 1015, Arlington, Va. 22203. The phone number is 1-800-950-NAMI (1-800-950-6264), and the website is www.nami.org.
Dear Ann Landers, I have been going with a man for three years. "Jerome" has a 5-year-old daughter, and I don't know how much longer I can tolerate that child. She tells her father where to sit, where to stand, when to go out and what to eat. She walks around his apartment and insists on holding his hand, no matter what he's doing. She even goes to the bathroom with him. (He says she cries if he locks her out.) If she awakens in the middle of the night, he allows her to sleep with him.
Jerome is divorced, and his daughter spends two nights a week at his place. I realize she misses her father, but this seems to me a very unhealthy attachment. When she is with him, she won't play with her toys or watch TV. She only wants to sit on his lap. This child has so many hang-ups it saddens me. Jerome says I am jealous of her, but I don't believe this is true. What do you say, Ann? -- Ready To Give Up in Richmond, Va.
Dear Richmond, Dump Jerome, unless you are willing to play second fiddle to that pathetic spoiled brat for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, her brattiness is not her fault. Her father (probably guilty about the divorce) has catered to the child to the extent that he is totally under her thumb. Adios, Jerome, and the sooner the better.
Dear Ann Landers, I am the grandmother of a child who was put up for adoption. It was an open adoption, which means the adoptive parents send my son photographs and letters so he knows how his child is doing. The adoptive parents are lovely people, and my grandson is doing wonderfully. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for them.
Every Christmas and birthday, I send gifts to my grandson because I want him to know I care about him. The adoptive parents have a second child, and I make sure to send gifts to that child, too. The rest of my family disagrees with this. They say I should distance myself from the boy and stop keeping in touch with the adoptive parents.
Tell me, Ann, are they right? Is it a mistake for me to maintain a relationship with this child? The adoptive parents have never asked me to back off, nor has my son objected to my presence in the boy's life. Christmas will be here soon, and I would appreciate your opinion. -- Torn in Texas
Dear Texas, Who, exactly, is "the rest of the family," and what business is it of theirs? These people who are giving you this bum advice should be told you are dealing with the matter in your own way and that all parties involved are satisfied with how things are being handled. (That is shorthand for MYOB, and if they don't get it, spell it out for them.) Keep reading for a different kind of Grandma story:
