Dear Ann Landers, I recently read the letter from the daughter whose mother was lonely, bitter and dependent on her for a social life. You said Mom needed some extracurricular activities. May I make a few suggestions?
I am a 79-year-old widow with the physical disabilities that often come with age. A year ago, my children gave me an old computer. It wasn't too hard to learn, though I confess it was frustrating at first. Every Sunday evening, our family gets together in a chat room so I can talk to my children, their spouses and my grandchildren, no matter where we are. I've learned to surf the 'Net and can send electronic musical greeting cards to nieces and nephews. They also send me interesting and funny things to let me know they are thinking of me. I am having so much fun, there is no time to be lonely.
If that mother doesn't want a computer, she may be interested in tracing her family genealogy and collecting family photographs. Last Christmas, I sent my children an album of their childhood pictures, awards and report cards. They said it was their favorite gift.
Being alone can be depressing, if you let it. I keep my aches and pains to myself and never criticize. I just listen, smile and pray a lot. -- Cyber Grandma
Dear Cyber Gram, You sound like my kind of woman: No leaning on others to entertain you; you entertain yourself. Your closing mantra is a pearl of wisdom. Four cheers, lady!
Dear Ann Landers, A few years ago, you printed a poem in your column. I do not remember the name of it, but some of the lines were: "Kisses aren't promises" and "Even sunshine burns if you get too much."
I would dearly love to have another copy of that poem because it touched me deeply. I hope you can find it and print it again. -- L.B. in Cordova, Tenn.
Dear L.B., That poem is one of the most requested by my readers. I am pleased to print it again for you and others who have asked. Here it is:
After a While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.
After a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure ...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn ...
With every goodbye, you learn.
Dear Ann Landers, A few months ago, when I was recovering from surgery and in bed suffering post-operative pain, my sister, "Ellen," came by to see me. My husband, "Dan," who is a physician, happened to enter the room and saw Ellen take prescription drugs out of the box beside my bed and slip them into her pocket. Ellen looked up and realized he had seen her, even though I didn't notice a thing.
Dan didn't want to alarm me, so he said nothing. He waited until Ellen went home and then telephoned her. She didn't say much, except that she had a very bad headache and needed medication. Ellen didn't know Dan had counted the capsules before her visit and knew she was lying about how many she had stolen. Later that evening, she phoned to apologize to Dan, but he wasn't home, so she talked to me and confessed that she had taken my pills.
Ellen is an alcoholic and has been sober for approximately eight years. We are concerned about her health and safety. We also worry about her tendency to steal prescription drugs (as well as other things) from our home and possibly the homes of her friends. We are afraid she might start shoplifting and end up in jail.
Dan and I don't feel comfortable discussing this with Ellen's husband, and she has always been very defensive, so it isn't easy to talk to her about personal problems. Please give us some guidance. -- Worried Sick in Newport Beach, Calif.
Dear Worried in Newport, Your sister needs help. Ellen has traded one addiction for another. She is off the booze but is now hooked on pills.
It is essential that you inform her husband about this latest occurrence. His wife needs professional help, and he must see that she gets it at once.
By withholding this information, you are doing your sister a grave injustice.
Dear Ann Landers, My best friend is slitting her wrists. I know she doesn't want to end her life, but whenever she has a bad day at school or problems at home, she cuts herself. The last time she did this, I threatened to tell her parents, but she pleaded with me to keep quiet and promised she would never do it again.
We are both 14. She is my best friend, and I want her to be happy and healthy. What can I do to help her? -- Just Me in Philadelphia
Dear Philadelphia, You must insist that your friend get some counseling at once. She should see the school nurse, the family doctor or her favorite teacher. Self-mutilation is a serious problem and requires immediate attention. Don't delay, and don't let her talk you out of it.
Dear Ann Landers, I must respond to the letter from "Sad Sister in N.C.," whose schizophrenic brother refused to take his medication. My heart goes out to her. In your response, you said those who refuse to take medication might have to be forced to have their condition monitored by a doctor.
My son was struck with this illness at age 24. He was newly married, with his own business and a beautiful home -- and he lost it all. I was told he was an adult and I could not hospitalize him without his permission. He refused to get help because he didn't think he was sick. In desperation, I called the police and said my son had threatened me with bodily harm. They put him in a mental facility that did nothing but hold him for a few weeks and then let him go.
After four long years, I filed a conservatorship for my son and turned him over to the state so he could receive the medical attention he needed. He was put in a state facility for six months, where he was taught about schizophrenia and the need for lifelong medication. I bless the doctors and nurses at that hospital for giving me back my son.
The laws need to be changed to get these young adults the help they need. They are often not able to make this decision on their own. I hope your column will trigger a move in the right direction. -- San Marcos, Calif.
Dear San Marcos, You deserve a medal for being so persistent and putting your son on the road to recovery. That column created quite a firestorm among my readers. Here are some of the responses I received:
From Chesapeake, Ohio: I suffer from depression and went voluntarily for help when I was in my late teens. I was bullied and threatened by the very staff that was supposed to help me. Forced medication is not the answer. It will only leave victims more vulnerable, and the number of deaths attributable to overmedication will increase.
Canfield, Ohio: When I was married, my husband had me hospitalized and forced me to undergo shock treatments for alleged postpartum psychosis. As it turned out, my problem was multiple sclerosis. I have suffered brain damage as a result of the drugs I was forced to take. How many other husbands would do this to their wives if they could get away with it?
San Jose, Calif.: Schizophrenia is a man-made diagnosis, and doctors make mistakes. A lifetime of being warehoused with people you don't like (and who might be dangerous) could be a disaster. The old man you see on the street whose tongue twitches didn't get that way because he was given compassion. He probably was restrained, drugged and dehumanized by a system that was supposed to help him.
Kerrville, Texas: I work for the Assertive Community Treatment team, which assists people with severe, persistent mental illness. The majority of our clients have had multiple hospitalizations, and most of them have failed after numerous attempts to stay well.
Our team's goal is to keep these individuals in the least restrictive environment required to maintain their independence. Case managers deliver and monitor medications to assure compliance. We also provide assistance for housing and employment, as well as classes on socialization, anger, stress management and symptoms management. We have a 24-hour crisis hotline people can call when things become too stressful.
Tell your readers there are resources within each community to assist mentally ill individuals and their families. For information, readers should contact the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, 200 N. Glebe Rd., Suite 1015, Arlington, Va. 22203. The phone number is 1-800-950-NAMI (1-800-950-6264), and the website is www.nami.org.
