Dear Ann Landers, My husband and I have been married for 18 years. We have two fine children. Five years ago, my husband had an affair. I was devastated when I learned about it, but I did forgive him.
He promised never to see the woman again, and he has kept his word.
Here's the problem, Ann. The woman has kept in close touch with my in-laws for the past five years. My mother-in-law is well aware that this is very upsetting to me, but she continues to be friendly to the would-be home wrecker. Even my husband has asked his mother to stop seeing the woman, but she continues to be chummy. We moved from Florida partly to get away from this unpleasant situation, and believe it or not, this woman had the gall to move to this same small town.
My nerves are completely shot, and I am beginning to develop health problems because of this. Can you help me? -- Hurt in Alabama
Dear Alabama, You cannot do anything about that woman, but you can do something about yourself. Get some counseling at once. I've often said, "Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission," and the same goes for "torturing." You must put on an emotional raincoat and let whatever comes your way slide off.
As for your mother-in-law, you have no right to dictate to her whom she should socialize with, so again, dear, put on that raincoat. Meanwhile, your doctor can give you something to settle your nerves.
Dear Ann Landers, I want to respond to your column on cross-dressing. My dear husband of many years passed away suddenly. We had a good marriage, and I loved him with all my heart. After he died, I cleaned out his workshop, which was piled to the ceiling with projects he hadn't finished and stuff he had accumulated over the years. I seldom went in there unless I needed a hammer or screwdriver.
While cleaning, I found evidence that my devoted, loving husband was a secret transvestite. There were dozens of boxes of women's clothing, underwear, shoes and wigs, and magazines about cross-dressing in the closet and on the shelves. Apparently, he had been engaging in this activity for a very long time.
Our sex life was good, and I thought our marriage was solid, but now, I'm depressed and upset because I feel I was married to a man I didn't really know. It also makes me wonder if he had any gay friends and if he went beyond just dressing up. All the precious memories I had of my husband have been besmirched.
I cannot talk to anyone about this because he was prominent in our community, and I don't want to tarnish his good name. I am just thankful our son and daughter didn't insist on helping me clean out their father's things. I refuse to let anyone give me a hand with his closets and bureau drawers because I would rather die than have it known he had this weird side to him.
Please, Ann, warn your readers who have secrets like my husband to come clean with their families or make sure they don't leave any evidence behind. I am -- Devastated in Texas
Dear Texas, I hope you will change your mind and talk to a professional about your distress so you can come to terms with your husband's secret. Since my recent letter on cross-dressing appeared, I have received a ton of responses. Keep reading for more:
From Mansfield, Ohio: I am a 33-year-old cross-dresser, and I definitely am not gay. I am engaged to be married to a lovely young woman who knows all about my "hobby" and shares my pleasure in it. She helps comb my wigs and puts red polish on my nails when I get dressed for "strutting." It is too bad more people don't understand that this is a harmless outlet for sexual tension.
St. Thomas, Virgin Islands: Women have been wearing slacks, tuxedos, fedoras and men's shirts for years, and nobody seems to think it's strange. So why all the hubbub about men who want to wear feminine clothes? I don't get it.
Chicago: I am a woman who wears men's clothing because it is much more comfortable than frills and lace. I can't understand why a man would want to wear nylons and high heels if he didn't have to.
Buffalo, N.Y.: People who think cross-dressing is simply "dressing up" are fooling themselves. This activity is sexually satisfying, and those who deny it are not being honest.
Bloomington, Ind.: Why all the flap about cross-dressing? In Scotland, those hearty fellows have been wearing skirts for centuries (they are called kilts), and nobody would dare question their virility.
Raleigh, N.C.: I know from reading your column that there are women who can adjust to a cross-dressing husband and it is fine with them, but when such behavior causes anguish for a wife, it can destroy the marriage. I know because it happened to mine.
Montreal, Quebec: The line between what is masculine and what is feminine has become noticeably blurred. Michael Jordan, an American icon, wears an earring, and no person in his right mind would ever question his masculinity.
Dear Ann Landers, A few months ago, when I was recovering from surgery and in bed suffering post-operative pain, my sister, "Ellen," came by to see me. My husband, "Dan," who is a physician, happened to enter the room and saw Ellen take prescription drugs out of the box beside my bed and slip them into her pocket. Ellen looked up and realized he had seen her, even though I didn't notice a thing.
Dan didn't want to alarm me, so he said nothing. He waited until Ellen went home and then telephoned her. She didn't say much, except that she had a very bad headache and needed medication. Ellen didn't know Dan had counted the capsules before her visit and knew she was lying about how many she had stolen. Later that evening, she phoned to apologize to Dan, but he wasn't home, so she talked to me and confessed that she had taken my pills.
Ellen is an alcoholic and has been sober for approximately eight years. We are concerned about her health and safety. We also worry about her tendency to steal prescription drugs (as well as other things) from our home and possibly the homes of her friends. We are afraid she might start shoplifting and end up in jail.
Dan and I don't feel comfortable discussing this with Ellen's husband, and she has always been very defensive, so it isn't easy to talk to her about personal problems. Please give us some guidance. -- Worried Sick in Newport Beach, Calif.
Dear Worried in Newport, Your sister needs help. Ellen has traded one addiction for another. She is off the booze but is now hooked on pills.
It is essential that you inform her husband about this latest occurrence. His wife needs professional help, and he must see that she gets it at once.
By withholding this information, you are doing your sister a grave injustice.
Dear Ann Landers, When I married "Glenn" eight years ago, I knew his parents were divorced, but I didn't realize they both had been married and divorced four times.
Last year, Glenn and I were having a difficult period in our relationship. I decided to talk to his parents about it, hoping they could provide some help and insight. Instead, I was shocked by their attitude.
When I told my mother-in-law that Glenn, age 36, had declared bankruptcy for the second time, she said the banks were at fault for giving him money and charging such high interest rates. When I told her he has a gambling problem, she said there was nothing wrong with gambling, that a lot of people make a living playing poker, and that somebody has to win and it could be him. When I explained that he always spends more than he makes, she said, "So what? A lot of people have that problem."
My father-in-law compared Glenn's gambling addiction to investing money in the stock market, saying, "Glenn just takes different risks." Both in-laws told me there are plenty of women who would be willing to overlook his addiction. They also let me know they will be leaving him their entire estate (over a half-million dollars) when they die, so we won't have to worry about money. Frankly, at the rate Glenn gambles, a half-million dollars wouldn't last very long.
I was appalled at my in-laws' lack of any moral conviction. They never spoke about honesty, personal integrity or the danger of a gambling addiction. I came from a foreign country and was raised by parents who believed it was important to behave honorably and that the family name should never be tarnished. How do I handle this? -- Arlington, Va.
Dear Arlington, It is apparent that Glenn was not raised the way you were. You say you were having a difficult time with your relationship last year. It sounds as if you were willing to sweep a lot under the rug in order to stay with Glenn. You don't say whether or not you have children. That would be important for me to know in order to give you some solid advice.
You need to have some sessions with a marriage counselor. It sounds as if your relationship is on shaky ground. I urge you to ask Glenn to go with you. The man was raised by parents who made excuses for all his failures and weaknesses. He is in desperate need of some self-understanding. A competent marriage counselor could be a godsend to you both.
Dear Ann Landers, I am 29 years old and divorced my husband a year ago when I discovered he was a world-class con artist. I have been seeing a therapist and am moving in a healthy direction. I feel I'm getting my confidence back and am enjoying my independence. For the past few months, I have been dating a wonderful man who seems serious about me.
My problem is, I become both excited and frightened when "Clark" and I talk about a future together. My concern is that he makes a very modest salary that barely covers his living expenses. For five years, I was married to a man who spent money as if it grew on trees, and it was up to me to make ends meet.
I had a very good job, but it was never enough. When we split, I swore I'd never allow myself to get in that position again.
Clark is considerate and caring, and we get along great, but I find myself looking for things about him that aren't perfect. I am not sure whether my concern is based on common sense or whether I am simply afraid to marry a man who is down a lot lower on the pay scale than I'd like him to be. I haven't told Clark about my fears because I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate. He believes I am hesitating about a commitment because my past experience soured me on relationships. He thinks I will come around if I have a little more time.
I don't want to end a great relationship, but I don't want to struggle financially like I did before. Please help me sort this out. - Confused in L.A.
Dear L.A., What you need is time to clear your head. Don't make any hasty decisions. Keep seeing Clark, but don't pass up any opportunities to date others. In due time, you will decide whether your feelings for Clark are strong enough to triumph over the financial insecurity. Let me know how this turns out.
