Dear Ann Landers, I commend you for printing the letter from "Sick of It in South Dakota," whose children lived with their father after her divorce. She said it's time to accept the idea that sometimes the kids are better off with Dad.
I am a divorced father with two boys, ages 7 and 9. They live with their mother. I pay out a lot of money for child support, but I doubt that the money is being spent on the children. If it were, I wouldn't have to take them for haircuts and buy them sneakers and winter jackets. I've asked my lawyer whether there is any recourse, but was told I could not dictate where the child support money goes.
I have recently remarried. My new wife is very supportive and has a great relationship with my sons. She is more of a mother to them than my ex-wife. I see my children every Wednesday and on alternate weekends. When it is time for them to go home, they cry and tell me they don't want to go. They have asked to live with me. I know they would be happier if that were possible, and they would have a more stable and secure environment, but unfortunately, the courts do not see it that way.
I have attempted to get custody of my sons, but the courts seem interested only in how much money I can pay. And have you noticed that when a couple gets divorced, the kids almost always end up with the mother, leaving the father with a painful court battle and an expensive legal bill? In spite of the aggravation, I refuse to give up. I'm still fighting for my boys. Ann, please tell all the divorced dads who love their children that they must stay in their children's lives, no matter what. Their children need them. -- Been There and Done That in New York
Dear New York, Your letter speaks more eloquently than anything I might say. Every divorced dad who has walked in your shoes is grateful to you for writing.
Dear Ann Landers, I would like to address this to all the young women who, for whatever reason, think having a baby is "cool."
I am the 17-year-old mother of a 4-month-old daughter. I will be the first to tell you it is not easy. And if you think having a baby will improve the relationship between you and your boyfriend, you are wrong. It will only make matters worse. My boyfriend and I called it quits a couple of weeks ago, when the fighting became unbearable. After three years of being very close, it's over.
If I have changed just one teenager's mind about getting pregnant, the time it took to write this letter will have been well worth it. -- Been There in Indiana
Dear Indiana, Thanks for the testimony. I hope my teenage readers will pay close attention to what you have written. You are a far better authority on this subject that I am. And P.S. Don't give up without trying counseling with your boyfriend. You have a child now who needs two parents.
Dear Ann Landers, I live in a nice suburb and have two well-adjusted children, a 6-year-old boy and a 2-year-old girl. The problem is the 12-year-old boy who lives three doors away. He really is strange. I rarely see him with children his own age. He often plays with kids who are much younger than he is, including my own.
Other neighbors have mentioned this boy's peculiar and unpredictable nature. They do not trust him. He once bit a child and knocked another boy off his bicycle. Recently, I had a basketball hoop installed in our driveway. As soon as the hoop went up, the boy started to play there. After a week of showing up in our driveway, I told him he had to ring our bell and ask permission. After repeated attempts to get permission, with little success, he finally got the message. He then began peering in our windows like a Peeping Tom to see whether anyone was home so he could ring our bell. This spooked my wife.
Frankly, I don't want this boy around my house or my children. His father is a friendly guy but travels three weeks out of the month. His mother is cold and distant. Meanwhile, the boy continues to hang around our property.
Should I discuss my concern with the boy's father or simply continue to discourage his presence around our house? Please help. -- Worried Parent in Illinois
Dear Worried Parent, That child needs to be seen by a professional for evaluation. His behavior suggests that he has some problems that need attention. You should talk to the boy's father about your concerns, which sound legitimate to me. Meanwhile, make sure that an adult is present whenever he plays with your children.
Dear Ann Landers, I come from a large family. A few months ago, we lost our dad. During his illness, he made a detailed list of items he wanted to leave to his children and grandchildren. Mom told him, "This is still my home, and these are my things, too. Nothing leaves."
This led to a discussion between my brothers and sisters. We agreed that nothing would be taken from the house. A few siblings, however, have been taking items for their children. This angered the rest of us, and we asked them to return these items. We argued that Mom is still alive and these things belong to HER. As of now, not one of the siblings has returned anything.
We also feel that when Mom goes, the heirloom items should be handed down to US and not to the grandchildren. Then, if we choose, we will pass them on to the next generation. Please, Ann, print this letter and your comments so the entire family can read them. -- Discord in Canada
Dear Canada, I have no idea if Grandma is leaving behind the crown jewels of the Ottoman Empire or some pots, pans and beaded lampshades. I suggest she hire a professional appraiser and an attorney and get a will spelled out now. If she doesn't, I predict a world-class family fight that will turn into a two-generation disaster. Meanwhile, forget about the items that have already been taken from the house. It sounds as if there's enough dissension as it is.
Dear Ann Landers, When my sister remarried two years ago, her new husband did not want to raise her son from a previous marriage. In those two years, the boy lived with an aunt, a grandmother and an uncle. Now, he is living with me, and I plan to keep him. He is a wonderful, adorable child, and I love him.
The problem is, his mother gets government benefits for this boy. She won't give up the welfare check and refuses to give me some of the money to compensate for raising him. She also claims him as a deduction on her income taxes, yet she is not supporting him at all.
Should I just forget about the money and consider the boy my own, or should I try to convince my sister to take care of him? Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- Ticked Off in Texas
Dear Ticked, You say your sister's son is "a wonderful, adorable child" and you love him. His own mother doesn't want him, and you don't know what to do? Forget about his mother's chiseling on the welfare checks. Keep the boy, and consider him a blessing in your life. And please be aware that you are a blessing in that child's life, as well. If he doesn't know it now, he will later.
