Dear Ann Landers,
My husband and I were married recently. Our wedding was beautiful, but there was one problem: We had 17 no-shows and four surprise guests. Two days before the wedding, we'd had to give the caterers the exact number of guests. After that, we would get billed no matter how many no-shows there were. That means we paid for 13 extra meals that nobody ate. I understand that sometimes an emergency comes up, but we wasted more than $330 on those no-show dinners. The extra guests turned out to be no problem because of the no-shows, but generally, surprises are not welcome. What if those 17 people had shown up and we didn't have enough dinners? It would have been a nightmare. It is simply good manners to let the hostess know whether you are coming or not. And if the number of people in your party has changed, she should be informed about that, too. When you RSVP, the information you give the hostess is what the cost of the event is based on. Wedding receptions aren't cheap these days, and paying for no-shows is a terrible waste. Am I expecting too much from guests? If so, please tell me. - San Diego

Dear San Diego,
You are not expecting too much. Letting the hostess know whether or not you are coming is no more than common courtesy. Not having enough food because some slobs didn't bother to let you know they were coming is a major embarrassment. A response card and stamped envelope are well worth the extra expense. I recommend them.

Dear Ann Landers,
I am a 20-year-old college student living with three other roommates the same age. One of our roommates, "Gloria," is causing a lot of problems for the rest of us. She is dating a married man. This isn't the first time she has been involved in an inappropriate relationship, but I didn't know about her entanglements until after we moved in together. The man Gloria is dating now is a lot older and has kids in their late 20s. He doesn't hide his cheating. In fact, he wants us to invite him over to "hang out." Gloria bragged about their sexual relationship, and his wife found out about it. She has been calling our house to see if her husband is here. Now, Gloria demands that we not answer the phone or, if we do, that we lie to the man's wife. We have lost all respect for Gloria and would like to kick her out, but none of us has the guts. I feel horrible for this man's family and do not want to be caught in a confrontation with his wife. Please give us some suggestions on how to handle this situation. -- Beside Ourselves in Oregon

Dear Oregon,
Give Gloria notice: Either she stops seeing that married man, or she will have to move out at the end of the month. Be firm about it. Let her know that if she doesn't break off the relationship, you are packing her bags and she'll find them on the front porch -- and keep your word.

Dear Ann Landers,
I just read the letter from "Hey You" in Florida, whose mother-in-law wouldn't call her by name. My own daughter has not called me "Mom" or anything else since she married 38 years ago, when she was 18. I have never heard her say she is sorry when she has been in the wrong. Nor does she ever say, "Please," or "Thank you." This is not the way she was raised. We see each other often, and she is not hostile. Can you explain this? -- Hey, You in California

Dear Hey, You,
No, I cannot explain it. Sounds as if your daughter is angry about the way her life turned out and is just plain bitter. Why don't you ask her why she never calls you "Mom"? Tell her you would like that. It could be the beginning of a meaningful and long-overdue dialogue.

Dear Ann Landers,
Your advice to "A Split Opinion in the Midwest" left a lot to be desired. The woman who wrote wanted to keep her maiden name after marriage. Her husband, however, insisted that she take HIS name. You suggested she compromise by using her maiden name professionally and her husband's name socially. I compromised by hyphenating our names when we married. It's made my husband happy, but I feel a tinge of resentment every time I sign my name. Of course, it is too late to change back to my maiden name, because people will assume we are getting a divorce, so I am stuck with my hyphenated name. There are few things in life as personal as one's name. "Split's" fiance should not ask her to do something he would not be willing to do himself. After all, SHE is the one who has to live with her choice, not him. A fiance should make only those decisions regarding HIS name and give his future wife the same privilege. -- Mrs. Been There-Done That

Dear Mrs. BT-DT,
You are not the only one who thought my "compromise" was less than ideal. Here are some additional letters on the subject: From West Hartford, Conn.: Your "compromise" was a cop-out, Ann. Maintaining two names will not last, and "Split's" name will be the one that falls by the wayside. I not only kept my own name, but with my husband's encouragement, our two daughters also have my last name. I admit it can be confusing on occasion, but in 16 years, I have never regretted my decision. Kansas City, Kan.: I changed my name because I believed it was silly to hold out when my fiance and I loved each other so much. Ten years and one divorce later, I see it differently. His insistence on my name change was the first in a long list of things he did to control me. He told me how to wear my hair, what clothes to buy, what couples to spend time with, where to take our vacations, what time I was to wake up on the weekends, and how long I could talk on the phone to family members and friends. If her fiance threatens not to marry her if she doesn't change her name, she should run as fast as she can in the opposite direction. The man is a control freak. San Diego: In 1964, I was madly in love. When I told my fiance I wanted to keep my maiden name, he said, with tears in his eyes, "You don't love me." His mother said, "What if you have children? People will think they are illegitimate." Hyphenating Di Napoli-Poffenberger was ludicrous, so I caved in. I cannot describe the feelings I had about disappearing as an individual. I did not receive class-reunion invitations, and my friends could not find my name in the phone book. Twenty-five years later, I told my husband I was going back to my maiden name and that he should know I loved him by now. It was a pain in the neck to change everything, and some of our friends asked if we were splitting up, but it was worth the hassle. Please tell that bride who wrote to stick to her guns. Buffalo, N.Y.: I just read this in the Buffalo News. I hope you will print it. When a 29-year-old man took his wife's last name, he was accused of trying to ingratiate himself to his new father-in-law, a powerful attorney. The man said, "My maiden name was a big hassle. I had to get a court order, and my credit-card companies still don't believe me." Surprisingly, the easiest thing to change was his Social Security card. After all, to the government, he's only a number.

Dear Ann Landers,
I have a relative who has diabetes and must take insulin shots after every meal. He makes quite a production of it, testing his blood sugar level, preparing the injection and injecting himself at the table. This procedure is done in the homes of family members and friends and in restaurants. I can handle it, but several others cannot. The sight of blood and injections ruins the enjoyment of the meals for those with queasy stomachs. This person is extremely sensitive, and his feelings would be crushed if he knew he was offending people. Your response in the paper would help make others who are afflicted with diabetes aware of how this sort of thing affects some of us. No name or city, please. -- Mrs. Anonymous

Dear Mrs. Anon.,
Your point is well taken. A person who would inject himself at the dinner table in the presence of others exhibits gross insensitivity and very poor manners.