Dear Ann Landers, The recent letters you printed concerning parents whose underage children are drinking raises a critical point that cannot be overstated: Parental involvement is crucial to raising drug-free and alcohol-free kids.
The most recent national survey for the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that teens who drink, smoke or use pot are less likely to tell their parents where they are on weekends, less likely to have a parent at home after school and less likely to rely on parents' opinions when they make important decisions. They are also less likely to attend religious services regularly.
Nearly half of 13-year-olds say their parents have never discussed the dangers of illegal drugs with them. The survey also found that teens who have tried marijuana say their friends had the most influence over their decision. Teens who have chosen not to smoke pot say their parents influenced them most. The bottom line? Parents have more clout than they think. They should use it. -- Joseph A. Califano Jr., chairman and president, the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University
Dear Joseph Califano, Your letter places the responsibility right where it belongs: on the parents. They need to know where their kids are at all times, who they are with and what they are doing. And it doesn't hurt to set a good example. Parents who smoke, drink excessively and use bad language should not be surprised when their children do the same. As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.
Dear Ann Landers, I have always been a small woman with no weight problems - that is, until I had three back surgeries and an operation on my neck. Now, I'm 35 pounds overweight and can't seem to lose it. I'm not a big eater, and it is difficult to exercise because of my health problems.
I was in a relationship with a great guy, and things were going well until my weight gain. Now, he says he is not attracted to me anymore. He avoids having sex, and I'm beginning to feel insecure and wonder whether he's seeing someone else. I always thought loving someone went deeper than looks and it is what's inside a person that counts. I would love him if he were fat or skinny.
I don't want to lose this man and don't know what to do. Can you help? - Miserable in Houston
Dear Houston, Your boyfriend is telling you loud and clear that his attraction to you is based primarily on your looks. It's time to move on.
Meanwhile, see a nutritionist and a physical fitness professional to find out what exercise options are available to you. Do this not for any man, but for yourself. You will not only feel better, but it will do wonders for your self-esteem.
Dear Ann Landers, I have a very sophisticated, attractive girlfriend. She is intelligent and has a terrific job. What's the problem? She doesn't shave her legs or under her arms. I'm too embarrassed to tell her this offends me and that it is neither ladylike nor attractive.
I never have dated a woman who didn't shave her legs. My girlfriend has more hair on her legs than I have on mine. I know that in Europe some women don't shave their legs, but is this socially acceptable nowadays in the United States? -- A Hairy Situation in the East
Dear East, Unshaven armpits and hairy legs are not socially acceptable in our culture, and I cannot imagine why a sophisticated woman would not be aware of this. You should tell your friend it would please you if she would do this, although she may not. Incidentally, there are attractively packaged shaving kits for women available in drugstores everywhere. If she agrees to shave, consider giving her one.
Dear Ann Landers, I am writing this as I face months of growing out a miserable haircut. I want all barbers everywhere to become aware of what is universally the major complaint against members of their profession. It is taking off too much hair.
I spent 20 years in the Navy where we were required to get regulation short haircuts.
Now that I am retired, I should be able to enjoy the freedom of longer hair, but it seems I am doomed to be denied this pleasure. A barber can always take off more hair if the customer feels it's still too long, but he cannot put hair back on. The fact that hair does eventually grow back is small consolation when you look as if you've been scalped.
I know this is a minor problem compared to others you get, Ann, but right now, I'm so darned mad, I decided the best way to let off steam and maybe educate those scissor-happy nitwits was to write to you and pray that my letter makes the paper. Sign me -- Shorn in San Diego
Dear Shorn, I'm sure your letter will not be taped to any barbershop mirrors around the world, but rest assured, your barber, as well as thousands of other barbers, will see it and ask, "Could this be me?"
Those who cut women's hair should also pay attention. There is no wrath equal to that of a woman shorn.
Dear Ann Landers, I have been married for three years, and it is obvious that my mother does not like my wife. I can deal with that, but I'm becoming increasingly upset by the way Mom behaves around "Amelia."
Two weeks ago, there was a milestone family affair, and we hired a professional photographer to take pictures. As we were preparing to pose for the photo shoot, my mother informed Amelia that she could not be in the pictures because she was not a blood relative and therefore not a family member. My wife stepped out, but I could see she was very hurt.
There have been other instances, as well. One evening when several of us went to the theater together, Mom happened to end up sitting next to Amelia. She abruptly stood up, moved to the other side of the row and announced, "I want to sit next to my son."
I have asked my mother to please stop treating Amelia so shabbily, but she insists she has nothing against my wife and accuses me of being overly sensitive. I hope you can help me. -- Not Mama's Boy in Missouri
Dear Missouri, Your signature does not match your letter. You certainly sound like a mama's boy to me, and a gutless one at that.
Why did you not speak up on your wife's behalf when your mother decided Amelia couldn't be in the family pictures because she wasn't a blood relative? And when your mother demanded to sit next to you in the theater, why didn't you arrange the seating so your wife could be on the other side?
As long as you permit your mother to abuse Amelia, she is going to do it. It's high time you asserted yourself, sonny boy. Check out the Bible, where it says, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh." Copy that directive on a piece of paper, and tape it to your bathroom mirror.
