Dear Ann Landers, My 23-year-old daughter is engaged to marry a young man I cannot stand. She seems very happy, and that is the most important thing, but the relationship worries me. "Francine" used to date a fellow I adored, but they broke up. He had all the qualities I admired. Her current beau has none of them. "Cal" loses his temper a lot and yells at Francine. I have mentioned my concerns and let her know that if he ever hits her, she can come to me anytime.
Francine is now living with Cal, and they have a joint bank account. He has a so-so job but never pays for anything if he can help it. Restaurant meals and movie tickets are always on her. He has no ambition to attend college, and I am sure Francine will end up supporting him, which galls me to no end. I am civil in Cal's presence but just barely. He constantly puts Francine down, and I invariably find myself defending her.
I have begged Francine to wait another year before making a final commitment, but she refuses. Her brother just married, and I wonder if perhaps she isn't competing with him. Is there anything I can do? -- Pennsylvania
Dear Penn., Yes, you can stop knocking Cal and do your darndest to find something about him to admire. This will baffle Francine. Do not mention the old boyfriend you like, or she will never go near him. Meanwhile, keep busy, and pay as little attention as possible to your daughter's social life. A 23-year-old woman might interpret her mother's "guidance" as interference and marry the guy to assert her independence.
Gem of the Day (Credit Sara Weintraub, age 90, Boston): "If I had everything to do over again, I would care 20 percent less."
Dear Ann Landers, I just read a story in The Macomb Daily, a paper here in Michigan, about a 72-year-old resident of Pittsburgh. This man owns a salon and barbershop supply business, which he bought in 1983. He recently received a notice saying he owes a property tax bill of $1,151 that goes back to 1911, before this man was even born. It seems the debt had gone undetected, even though the property had changed hands several times.
When the man expressed his astonishment, he was told that the passage of time and the change in ownership did not make any difference. He still has to pay the back real estate taxes. I find this outrageous. -- Mary in Warren, Mich.
Dear Mary, It is good of you to take up this man's cause, but I'm afraid he is stuck. According to Dominick Gambino, administrative assistant to the Allegheny County controller, anyone who buys property is responsible for the outstanding tax liens. In this instance, however, the tax lien was so old, it did not show up on a standard title search when the man bought the property back in 1983.
The county sold its tax liens to a private company in 1997, which then discovered the old debt when it began cleaning up the county's records. You will be pleased to know that the beauty supply owner has title insurance that ought to cover it.
Dear Ann Landers, If it's a slow news day and this letter appears in the paper, I would appreciate it if you would leave my name and town out of it, OK? Maybe a representative of the American Dental Association will attempt to explain how my dentist can get away with overbilling me, if asked by a voice as strong as yours. Here is my problem:
I am retired and on a fixed income. My dentist is one of the most respected men in the city. I pay my bills promptly and have never questioned his fees. I now have only six of my original teeth left. I find it outrageous that he charged me $44 to clean them, the same as if I had 32 teeth, and he didn't even do the work. His hygienist did it. She spent approximately five or six minutes on my own teeth and about 10 seconds on the bridge. Will you please tell me whether you think this is fair? -- Somewhere in Minnesota
Dear Minnesota, According to the American Dental Association, it is up to the dentist to set the fee for a prophylaxis (teeth cleaning). Some dentists charge a set amount for the entire procedure, regardless of the number of teeth. Others charge less, depending on the condition of the remaining teeth. I suggest you show this column to your dentist and see if you can reach a compromise.
Dear Ann Landers, I just got a phone call from my son. He said, "I've been arrested for possession of marijuana with intent to distribute." I knew he had used marijuana on occasion, but I'm sure he never tried to sell it. A lawyer told me if someone is caught with marijuana, chances are the police will add "intent to distribute," even in the absence of supporting evidence. The accusation of intent changes the crime from a misdemeanor to a felony.
Ann, my son is a good kid who attends college and has a part-time job. He didn't hurt anyone. He didn't steal anything. He didn't cheat anybody. He was caught with marijuana for his own personal use, and for this, he could get 30 years in prison.
He has never gotten so much as a parking ticket.
I don't approve of smoking grass, nor do I approve of smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol. But this punishment seems excessive. I can't help but think of the thousands of families who have suffered this same horror. These harsh laws hurt us all. People who criminalize marijuana believe users are dangerous addicts in dark trench coats, lurking near playgrounds, ready to pounce on young children.
I plead for compassion for those who are hurting only themselves when they use dangerous substances. What they need is counseling and medical intervention, not prison. Harsh laws don't work. Furthermore, it costs us a fortune in taxes to prosecute and incarcerate people who pose no danger to society. Enough. -- A Sad Mother in Va.
Dear Sad Mother, I'm sad about your son's predicament. If the police added "intent to distribute" without real evidence, your son will need the help of a competent lawyer who can get those charges dismissed.
I have long believed the laws regarding marijuana are too harsh. Those who keep pot for their own personal use should not be treated as criminals. Thirty years in prison makes no sense whatsoever. I'm with you.
Dear Ann Landers, I am a 42-year-old man, married with two children. Things are just fine within my immediate family. The problem is my mother. She wants me to buy her an automobile. Not just any automobile. She wants one exactly like mine.
Mother has a comfortable lifestyle and can certainly afford to buy any car she wants on her own. However, for some reason, she thinks I should give her one. And, of course, she doesn't want anything as moderately priced as the neighbor's car. She feels entitled to a car just like mine -- the expensive variety. No other car will do.
Ann, I have worked hard for everything I have, including my car. I paid my own way through college and am reasonably successful in business. I do not feel that I should deprive my children of the money we are saving for their college education in order to satisfy my mother's expensive taste in automobiles. I have told her that money is tight at the moment, but this hasn't stopped her from nagging.
My relationship with my mother has never been terribly close, and now, her pressuring me to buy a car is straining it to the breaking point. I don't want to destroy the good will that I have slowly and carefully built up over the years. I need some advice. -- No Name, No City, Please
Dear N.N.N.C., Does your mother have a hearing problem? Tell her, in a voice slightly louder than normal, that you cannot afford to buy her a car, and you would appreciate it if she would quit asking. Let her know it pains you that you cannot give her everything her heart desires, but that your children's education comes first. Repeat as often as necessary.
