Dear Ann Landers, I was invited to the wedding of a close friend last fall. Instead of giving my friend and her husband money, I commissioned a local artist to make a gift for the couple. The artist told me it would take about a month for the work to be completed. I wrote my friend a note apologizing for the delay and explained that I was having something special made for them.
It has been three months, and the work is still not finished. I spoke to the artist, but he won't give me any answers. Should I give the couple a check, apologize again and tell the artist to forget it? Please tell me what to do. -- West Orange, N.J.
Dear W.O., Write a letter to the artist giving him a two-week deadline to complete the picture or the deal is off. Send a copy of the letter to the newlyweds. If "Rembrandt" doesn't make the deadline, ask him to return your deposit. Then, buy the couple a gift.
Dear Ann Landers, I am 29 years old and divorced my husband a year ago when I discovered he was a world-class con artist. I have been seeing a therapist and am moving in a healthy direction. I feel I'm getting my confidence back and am enjoying my independence. For the past few months, I have been dating a wonderful man who seems serious about me.
My problem is, I become both excited and frightened when "Clark" and I talk about a future together. My concern is that he makes a very modest salary that barely covers his living expenses. For five years, I was married to a man who spent money as if it grew on trees, and it was up to me to make ends meet.
I had a very good job, but it was never enough. When we split, I swore I'd never allow myself to get in that position again.
Clark is considerate and caring, and we get along great, but I find myself looking for things about him that aren't perfect. I am not sure whether my concern is based on common sense or whether I am simply afraid to marry a man who is down a lot lower on the pay scale than I'd like him to be. I haven't told Clark about my fears because I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate. He believes I am hesitating about a commitment because my past experience soured me on relationships. He thinks I will come around if I have a little more time.
I don't want to end a great relationship, but I don't want to struggle financially like I did before. Please help me sort this out. - Confused in L.A.
Dear L.A., What you need is time to clear your head. Don't make any hasty decisions. Keep seeing Clark, but don't pass up any opportunities to date others. In due time, you will decide whether your feelings for Clark are strong enough to triumph over the financial insecurity. Let me know how this turns out.
Dear Ann Landers, You printed a letter from a woman whose husband beat her up on the street in front of their house. She wanted to know why no one came to her aid when she screamed for help. Well, there are two sides to every story. I have a neighbor who has been beaten up and seriously injured by the man she lives with, and I no longer call the police.
The first time I heard her screaming, I almost broke my neck getting to the phone to call for help. Then, I knocked on her door, thinking my presence might prevent the situation from escalating. After the police came, she told them she didn't want to press charges, and that was the end of it.
The second time, I heard screaming and breaking glass, and I again called the police. They arrested the man and took my neighbor to the hospital, where she had her jaw rewired and several stitches on her forehead. She refused to press charges. The next morning, her "live-in" was back in the house. That very night, he threw her down the outside concrete steps (all 15 of them), and I called the police. The woman spent several weeks in the hospital with both legs in casts. Guess what. Her live-in picked her up from the hospital and brought her home. As soon as the casts were off, he beat her up again.
Now when she screams, I turn up the TV. The police are tired of coming, and I am tired of calling them. This woman needs help, but the police aren't the answer. Several neighbors have suggested that she get some counseling, but she insists that her boyfriend loves her and has promised it's going to get better. It's been nearly five years since I moved here. They are still together, and he is still beating her up. I am minding my own business. -- Gave Up in Pennsylvania
Dear Penn., In most cases of domestic abuse, alcohol or drugs play a big part. It's difficult to help people who refuse to help themselves, but please don't give up. Intervention by neighbors can save lives. I will continue to recommend it.
Dear Ann Landers, Two weeks ago, when I came home from the supermarket, I found a note from my husband saying there was too much pressure in his life and he needed to get away. I immediately checked our bedroom and found that all his clothes were gone.
A few days later, I learned he already had another apartment and a new phone number, which proved he had been planning his escape for quite some time. I had an awful feeling of betrayal when I realized that the person I had been sleeping next to for so many years would plan to sneak off and leave me without saying a word.
The note he left said he would contact me in a few days. It has been nearly a week, and I haven't heard from him. My friends tell me I should phone him and find out exactly what he has in mind, but I don't want to do that. After all, he is the one who left, and I think he should make the first move. Please give me some advice. -- Confused in the Midwest
Dear Midwest, Don't rush. Let the dust settle. Wait another week. If you don't hear anything by then, call and tell him you need to know what his plans are so you can make yours. You gave me no clue as to your age, how long you have been married or what your financial status is. If I knew more about your situation, I could be more helpful. Good luck.
Dear Ann Landers, Two years ago, I was a married woman who became involved with a married man at work. At first, it was just flirting, but before long, we knew we were in love. It was exciting and wonderful. We finally decided to divorce our spouses and get married.
What do I have today? My two children, who were once happy and well-adjusted, are now in therapy. I also have huge legal bills. My in-laws despise me because they see their grandchildren only twice a year. I have a husband who sits in a chair at night drinking beer and smoking cigarettes while I cook, clean and fold laundry.
I wish I had used the effort I spent trying to hide my affair and put it to work saving my first marriage. I would have been a lot happier. Please print my letter so other married women will think before they start fooling around. -- Smart Too Late
Dear Smart, I wonder how many married women (and men) who are flirting or fooling around in the workplace will see themselves in your letter. I would not be surprised if your words nipped some of those romances in the bud.
Thanks for all the marriages you may have saved today. As for yours, I suggest counseling. If the couch potato won't go with you, go alone.
