Dear Ann Landers, I am sure you get many letters complaining about rude, crude and abusive sales clerks. I would like to say a word in their defense.
My job is to evaluate clerks. I have a long list of people I observe, interact with and rate according to 30 factors. They have no idea who I am. I've been doing this work for five years and have visited more than 400 "installations," from small convenience stores to large department stores.
I have demanded services to which I was not entitled and asked for "extras" the stores were under no obligation to provide. I have been deliberately antagonistic and sometimes downright nasty. I once tried to return an item that had been purchased at another store. The clerk took it and gave me a full credit. I have yet to find a sales clerk who was crude, rude or unpleasant.
When you get letters complaining about sales clerks, I would bet they are from people who have tried to return merchandise that has obviously been used or for which they have no receipt, or the customer insisted the clerk take a credit card that had expired or been maxed out. Please don't print my name or city, Ann. It is essential that my identity not be revealed. Sign me -- Mystery Shopper in the USA
Dear Mystery, It appears from your incognito research that the vast majority of sales clerks have the patience of Job. While a few may be surly and unpleasant, most people would agree with your assessment that sales clerks live by the motto "the customer is always right," even when he isn't.
Dear Ann Landers, I am a member of the board of directors of the Massachusetts Crime Prevention Officers Association. I am concerned about the letter signed "Ohio Nightmare Without End." She said her in-laws often show up on Sunday morning uninvited and let themselves into their home. The in-laws use the emergency key the couple keeps hidden near the door of the house.
Please, Ann, tell your readers not to hide keys outside their homes. No matter how secret they may believe a hiding place is, a criminal is sure to find it. Burglars know exactly where to look. After all, breaking into homes is their business.
No one should leave an extra key under the mat, over the door, in the mailbox or anyplace someone could find it. If your readers feel they MUST have an emergency key, it should be left with a trusted friend or neighbor. May I also suggest that they not leave the key in any of the commercial devices advertised as "hiding places" because, believe it or not, criminals read those advertisements, too. -- Richard D. Pontes, security specialist, Boston
Dear Richard Pontes, Your letter is sure to prevent a great deal of anguish. Thank you for giving my readers some extremely valuable advice today for the price of a newspaper.
Dear Ann Landers, I just read the letter from "Ohio Nightmare," whose in-laws repeatedly showed up every Sunday morning unannounced and uninvited. I had the very same problem, and it drove me crazy -- until I hit on a solution. When all else failed, I decided to answer the door buck-naked. My wife was horrified, and it took a lot of nerve, but I did it. After three more visits, the problem was solved. The in-laws never showed up without phoning first. Pass it on, Ann. -- Jack in Bayside, N.Y.
Dear Jack, Nothing succeeds like success. Savor the victory.
Dear Ann Landers, My 32-year-old daughter is getting married for the second time. My daughter and I have a good relationship, but my ex-wife and I barely speak. She and my daughter made all the wedding preparations and paid for the whole thing without any assistance from me. I received a wedding invitation, but it excluded my fiancee, "Greta."
Greta and I have been together for the past six years. During this time, my daughter has visited us often and always seemed comfortable with the relationship. Greta is very hurt and angry that she was not invited to the wedding. She asked me to speak to my daughter about the "oversight" and said that if no invitation was forthcoming, I should not go to the wedding, either.
I spoke to my daughter, who told me it was the expressed desire of her mother, my ex-wife, not to invite Greta. My daughter receives a lot of financial help from her mother and is obviously reluctant to go against her mother's wishes.
What should I do? If I attend the wedding alone, Greta will think I let her down. If I don't go at all, my daughter will assume I favor my fiancee over her and will be crushed. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- Dad in Bonita, Calif.
Dear Dad, Greta should have been invited to the wedding because she has been your significant other for six years. She was not invited, however, which means she is not welcome. It would be classy of Greta to say, "Go -- have a good time, and bring me a piece of wedding cake." If she does not choose to be gracious, go anyway.
This is your daughter's day, and her wish to have you there takes precedence.
Dear Ann Landers, Your advice to "A Split Opinion in the Midwest" left a lot to be desired. The woman who wrote wanted to keep her maiden name after marriage. Her husband, however, insisted that she take HIS name. You suggested she compromise by using her maiden name professionally and her husband's name socially.
I compromised by hyphenating our names when we married. It's made my husband happy, but I feel a tinge of resentment every time I sign my name. Of course, it is too late to change back to my maiden name, because people will assume we are getting a divorce, so I am stuck with my hyphenated name.
There are few things in life as personal as one's name. "Split's" fiance should not ask her to do something he would not be willing to do himself. After all, SHE is the one who has to live with her choice, not him. A fiance should make only those decisions regarding HIS name and give his future wife the same privilege. -- Mrs. Been There-Done That
Dear Mrs. BT-DT, You are not the only one who thought my "compromise" was less than ideal. Here are some additional letters on the subject:
From West Hartford, Conn.: Your "compromise" was a cop-out, Ann. Maintaining two names will not last, and "Split's" name will be the one that falls by the wayside. I not only kept my own name, but with my husband's encouragement, our two daughters also have my last name. I admit it can be confusing on occasion, but in 16 years, I have never regretted my decision.
Kansas City, Kan.: I changed my name because I believed it was silly to hold out when my fiance and I loved each other so much. Ten years and one divorce later, I see it differently. His insistence on my name change was the first in a long list of things he did to control me. He told me how to wear my hair, what clothes to buy, what couples to spend time with, where to take our vacations, what time I was to wake up on the weekends, and how long I could talk on the phone to family members and friends. If her fiance threatens not to marry her if she doesn't change her name, she should run as fast as she can in the opposite direction. The man is a control freak.
San Diego: In 1964, I was madly in love. When I told my fiance I wanted to keep my maiden name, he said, with tears in his eyes, "You don't love me." His mother said, "What if you have children? People will think they are illegitimate." Hyphenating Di Napoli-Poffenberger was ludicrous, so I caved in. I cannot describe the feelings I had about disappearing as an individual. I did not receive class-reunion invitations, and my friends could not find my name in the phone book. Twenty-five years later, I told my husband I was going back to my maiden name and that he should know I loved him by now. It was a pain in the neck to change everything, and some of our friends asked if we were splitting up, but it was worth the hassle. Please tell that bride who wrote to stick to her guns.
Buffalo, N.Y.: I just read this in the Buffalo News. I hope you will print it. When a 29-year-old man took his wife's last name, he was accused of trying to ingratiate himself to his new father-in-law, a powerful attorney. The man said, "My maiden name was a big hassle. I had to get a court order, and my credit-card companies still don't believe me." Surprisingly, the easiest thing to change was his Social Security card. After all, to the government, he's only a number.
