Dear Ann Landers,
Many years ago, my daughter asked me to co-sign a loan for a new car. She was young and just starting out, so my wife and I agreed to co-sign. After making only a couple of payments, she defaulted. By then, my wife and I had divorced, and I had remarried. My new wife and I ended up paying $246 a month for almost four years in order to pay off that loan. We did it because we felt it was important to maintain our credit rating, as well as our daughter's. My ex-wife refused to help in any way. Our daughter is now engaged to a fine young man. When we divorced, my ex-wife and I agreed to share the cost of a wedding whenever our daughter decided to marry. Since my ex did not contribute one cent to paying off that auto loan, I do not feel obligated to contribute to a future wedding and have said so. My daughter, with her "good credit rating," just bought a new car and took a nice vacation. She has never offered to pay back one red cent of the money I laid out for her first car. The young man is wonderful and had nothing to do with this mess. I feel uneasy about backing out on the wedding expenses, but I still think I'm justified in doing so. What do you say? -- Still Hurting in Levittown, N.Y.

Dear Levittown,
Sorry, I don't agree. You are mixing apples and oranges and coming up with lemons. Years ago, you and your ex-wife agreed to share the cost of your daughter's wedding "whenever she decided to marry." Well, Dad, the time has come, and you are honor-bound to keep your word.

Dear Ann Landers,
You have printed several letters from lonely grandparents who wonder why they never hear from their grandchildren. I'm a man who has the reverse of that problem. I've been happily married for 21 years and have a teenage daughter and son. Since the day our children were born, my widowed mother has shown absolutely no interest in them whatsoever. I cannot understand this. Our children are every parent's dream. They are bright, well-mannered, respectful and a joy to be around. When the kids were young, my mother made it clear she did not want to baby-sit, so we never asked her. When we make the 200-mile trip to her town, it's as if my wife and kids are invisible. She talks incessantly about her friends and social activities but never directs any conversation toward our children. The only acknowledgment she has ever given them is an annual birthday card. The one time she came to our home, she sat on the edge of the sofa and kept saying she needed to leave as soon as possible. She went home the next morning. Am I expecting too much? My mother is in her 70s and is an intelligent woman. My children would love to have a caring grandmother, and I wish I could find a stand-in for them. At this point, I no longer want to visit my mother and subject my children to her indifference. Do you have any ideas on how to get her to warm up? -- Sad Son in N.C.

Dear N.C.,
You might as well try to warm up Siberia. Have you told her how much it would mean to you if she took an interest in your children? If she is willing to discuss it, you might be able to turn things around. If not, leave the family at home when you visit your mother, and spare everyone the aggravation.

Dear Ann Landers,
I just learned that my ex-husband is the father of a baby boy with his new wife. I am devastated by this news. We have been divorced for 10 years, but I never stopped loving him. Eight months after I married "Andy," he had a vasectomy without telling me. We spent another year trying to have a baby. Actually, I was the only one who was trying. Andy was stringing me along. He knew he could not father a child, but he made me believe the fault was mine. I discovered the truth when I went to see a fertility specialist. The doctor said there was no physical reason I could not become pregnant and suggested that my husband be checked. It was then that Andy told me about the vasectomy. The following year, he divorced me on the grounds that he wasn't cut out for marriage. Later that year, he got married to someone else and apparently had his vasectomy reversed. Now I am faced with a terrible sense of loss. How in the world could this have happened? Andy's new family should have been OURS. I tried to adopt a child, but as a single woman, this is very difficult unless you have a great deal of money. I know I can't turn back the clock, but learning about Andy's baby has brought back all the hurt. How can I rid myself of this pain? -- Need Help in Tacoma, Wash.

Dear Tacoma,
Andy is a liar and a cheat. Had you stayed married to him, he would have given you endless grief. Count your blessings. You missed a speeding bullet. Call your local child-welfare agency, and inquire about being a foster parent. There are a great many children who need homes but are not adoptable for a variety of reasons. Good luck to you, dear.

Dear Ann Landers,
I have always maintained it's the thought that counts when it comes to gifts. In that light, I'd like to know what you think. Over the years, my husband, our children and I have received an odd selection of gifts from my in-laws. They are always used -- from their attic, a thrift shop or a fire sale, or otherwise recycled. We have laughed it off, decided that they are eccentric and disposed of the gifts. I can understand used books, clothing, jewelry and toys, but last Christmas, they went a bit too far. Our teenage son received an assortment of used aftershave -- complete with mildew on the bottles. He just laughed and tossed it in the trash. My husband and I, however, felt insulted. These people are financially well to-do. They see our children only when they visit on birthdays or Christmas. They stay through dinner and leave just before dessert is served. Then, we don't hear from them until the next major event. When we ask them to spend more time with the grandchildren, they make all kinds of excuses for why they can't manage it. After being rebuffed numerous times, our children have stopped asking about them. Ann, if it's "the thought that counts," what thought can there be behind such insulting gifts? I hesitate to ask them, because I do not want to hurt my husband, but I would appreciate your opinion. -- Daughter-in-Law in Englewood, Fla.

Dear Englewood,
Here are a few adjectives: cheap, no-class, stingy, tightwads, and toss in stupid, weird and kooky, since they apparently believe they are getting away with it. How sad that they're missing out on their grandchildren's lives. When their crummy gifts arrive, just toss them in the trashcan, and let it go at that. Would you believe a woman in Minnesota wrote to tell me that last Christmas she got the same fruitcake she had given the woman two years before?

Dear Ann Landers,
I am the grandmother of a child who was put up for adoption. It was an open adoption, which means the adoptive parents send my son photographs and letters so he knows how his child is doing. The adoptive parents are lovely people, and my grandson is doing wonderfully. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for them. Every Christmas and birthday, I send gifts to my grandson because I want him to know I care about him. The adoptive parents have a second child, and I make sure to send gifts to that child, too. The rest of my family disagrees with this. They say I should distance myself from the boy and stop keeping in touch with the adoptive parents. Tell me, Ann, are they right? Is it a mistake for me to maintain a relationship with this child? The adoptive parents have never asked me to back off, nor has my son objected to my presence in the boy's life. Christmas will be here soon, and I would appreciate your opinion. -- Torn in Texas

Dear Texas,
Who, exactly, is "the rest of the family," and what business is it of theirs? These people who are giving you this bum advice should be told you are dealing with the matter in your own way and that all parties involved are satisfied with how things are being handled. (That is shorthand for MYOB, and if they don't get it, spell it out for them.) Keep reading for a different kind of Grandma story: