Dear Ann Landers,
I am concerned about the advice you gave "Befuddled," the teenager who was afraid her girlfriend, "Lottie," might be a lesbian because she slept in the nude when they shared a bed. You told her to continue the friendship but not to accept any more invitations to sleep over. Your response left me with a sinking feeling. When friends are uneasy about something like this, it is not OK to ignore it. Also, a friendship that is not based on trust can be hollow at best. As a woman who works with lesbian and gay young people, I find it highly unlikely that Lottie is a lesbian. If such were the case, she would not have risked a negative reaction from her friend. Rejection from those they care about is one of the principal concerns of gay youth. All teenagers, gay and straight, should be encouraged to be honest with their peers and not engage in deception. If the writer has worries and does not deal with them directly, the friendship will suffer. Please let her know that being gay is not the issue. The real issue is empowering young people to be forthright and vocal with each other about situations that make them uncomfortable. Staying silent accomplishes nothing and leaves them frustrated and confused. -- C.M. in the Southwest

Dear C.M.,
I had several complaints about my response to that letter and am inclined to think my answer was a dog. Your last sentence is a far better response. Thanks for cleaning up after me.

Dear Ann Landers,
My husband has been clinically depressed for most of his adult life. A while back, "Herman" began seeing a female therapist who focused on my husband's early years to see whether something in his childhood might be the cause of his depression. His therapist discovered that during adolescence, Herman had been a cross-dresser. He apparently had worn women's clothing in his early teens but repressed it as an adult. Now Herman wants my permission to express this part of his personality around the house. He says he would not go out in public. This disgusts me, Ann. The thought of my husband in makeup, wig and high heels makes my skin crawl. His therapist told me I need to be more tolerant. She doesn't seem to think his behavior is abnormal or sick. Herman is artistic and sensitive, a gourmet cook and an avid sportsman. More importantly, he is a terrific father to our two sons. I used to think he was the most masculine man alive. Now I don't see how I ever can look at him the same way or stop wondering whether he is gay. I don't want to break up our marriage, but if anyone found out about the makeup, wigs and high heels, I would be devastated. I need your advice. -- N. Carolina

Dear N. Carolina,
You need to have a better understanding of your husband's cross-dressing. Herman is a transvestite. Some transvestites are gay, but many are not. They get their thrills from dressing up in women's clothing, but that's as far as it goes. Please go to the public library and read up on the subject. The more you know the less you will fear it.

Dear Ann Landers,
I feel compelled to respond to the letter from "M.J. in Sarasota," who decided to have a hysterectomy to make absolutely certain she would never get ovarian cancer. She still needs to be careful. I was diagnosed with fibroid tumors in 1988. Even though there was no family history of ovarian cancer, I decided not to take any chances and had a complete hysterectomy. Eight years later, I was shocked to discover I had Stage III ovarian cancer. Many women do not realize that malignant cells in the ovaries can spread through the surrounding tissue. Even if the ovaries are removed, ovarian cancer can still develop elsewhere. It is important to continue watching for signs of the disease. I am enclosing a list of the symptoms of ovarian cancer, and I hope you will print it for all the women in your reading audience. -- Shirley in Orlando, Fla.

Dear Shirley,
Thank you for educating my readers today. According to the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance, a national education and advocacy organization, ovarian cancers occur in one out of 55 women at any age. Most women are diagnosed when the chance for survival for five years is about 20 percent. Early detection improves survival rates. Symptoms are subtle at first but become more persistent and identifiable as time goes on. Any woman who experiences the following symptoms for more than two or three weeks should see her doctor and ask for a combination pelvic/rectal exam, a CA-125 blood test and a transvaginal sonogram: -- Bloating, a feeling of fullness or gas. -- Frequent or urgent urination. -- Nausea, indigestion, constipation or diarrhea. -- Menstrual disorders or pain during intercourse. -- Fatigue or backaches. For more information on ovarian cancer, contact the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance, P.O. Box 33107, Washington, D.C. 20033 (www.ovariancancer.org), or assess your risk at the Women's Cancer Network website (www.wcn.org). For a free brochure, call the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition at 1-888-OVARIAN (www.ovarian.org).

Dear Ann Landers,
I want to respond to your column on cross-dressing. My dear husband of many years passed away suddenly. We had a good marriage, and I loved him with all my heart. After he died, I cleaned out his workshop, which was piled to the ceiling with projects he hadn't finished and stuff he had accumulated over the years. I seldom went in there unless I needed a hammer or screwdriver. While cleaning, I found evidence that my devoted, loving husband was a secret transvestite. There were dozens of boxes of women's clothing, underwear, shoes and wigs, and magazines about cross-dressing in the closet and on the shelves. Apparently, he had been engaging in this activity for a very long time. Our sex life was good, and I thought our marriage was solid, but now, I'm depressed and upset because I feel I was married to a man I didn't really know. It also makes me wonder if he had any gay friends and if he went beyond just dressing up. All the precious memories I had of my husband have been besmirched. I cannot talk to anyone about this because he was prominent in our community, and I don't want to tarnish his good name. I am just thankful our son and daughter didn't insist on helping me clean out their father's things. I refuse to let anyone give me a hand with his closets and bureau drawers because I would rather die than have it known he had this weird side to him. Please, Ann, warn your readers who have secrets like my husband to come clean with their families or make sure they don't leave any evidence behind. I am -- Devastated in Texas

Dear Texas,
I hope you will change your mind and talk to a professional about your distress so you can come to terms with your husband's secret. Since my recent letter on cross-dressing appeared, I have received a ton of responses. Keep reading for more: From Mansfield, Ohio: I am a 33-year-old cross-dresser, and I definitely am not gay. I am engaged to be married to a lovely young woman who knows all about my "hobby" and shares my pleasure in it. She helps comb my wigs and puts red polish on my nails when I get dressed for "strutting." It is too bad more people don't understand that this is a harmless outlet for sexual tension. St. Thomas, Virgin Islands: Women have been wearing slacks, tuxedos, fedoras and men's shirts for years, and nobody seems to think it's strange. So why all the hubbub about men who want to wear feminine clothes? I don't get it. Chicago: I am a woman who wears men's clothing because it is much more comfortable than frills and lace. I can't understand why a man would want to wear nylons and high heels if he didn't have to. Buffalo, N.Y.: People who think cross-dressing is simply "dressing up" are fooling themselves. This activity is sexually satisfying, and those who deny it are not being honest. Bloomington, Ind.: Why all the flap about cross-dressing? In Scotland, those hearty fellows have been wearing skirts for centuries (they are called kilts), and nobody would dare question their virility. Raleigh, N.C.: I know from reading your column that there are women who can adjust to a cross-dressing husband and it is fine with them, but when such behavior causes anguish for a wife, it can destroy the marriage. I know because it happened to mine. Montreal, Quebec: The line between what is masculine and what is feminine has become noticeably blurred. Michael Jordan, an American icon, wears an earring, and no person in his right mind would ever question his masculinity.

Dear Ann Landers,
I was upset by the letter from the woman who did not want a male technician to perform a breast sonogram. I am a registered nurse who happens to be a man. According to the latest statistics, less than 5 percent of the RNs in Canada are male. Discrimination against health-care providers based on gender offends more than just the workers involved. Due to the overwhelming imbalance of women in nursing and other health professions (except physicians), most male patients have no choice but to receive care from women. Why extend to female patients the privilege denied to males -- that of selecting the gender of their caregivers? Many women who express discomfort with male nurses and other providers are, at the same time, quite comfortable seeing male physicians. Women are doctors, lawyers, engineers, politicians, welders and autoworkers and are involved in other formerly men-only trades and professions. Nobody would suggest that a woman at GM or Ford could only work on certain types of cars. Why treat health-care providers any differently? -- R.N. in Alberta, Canada

Dear Alberta,
If, as you have stated, fewer than 5 percent of the registered nurses in Canada are male, you can be sure that the patients up there have very little choice. Male patients are going to be treated by female nurses. Period. The law of supply and demand works in every area of life -- health-care services included.